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Tips for All Guys - Things That Just Don't Matter
Losing your hair. We're at a point in evolution when our bodies have decided, You know what? The furry stuff on top of our heads? Not really useful. Women know this. They look at Ed Harris and think, That guy has evolved.
What your father-in-law thinks of you. She married you because you're either just like him or his polar opposite. Either way, you're covered.
How cool your job is. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Be you an oyster shucker or a hit man, the important thing is that they pay you for having fun.
Your prowess behind the wet bar. You can make 31 kinds of martinis? So what? You're a man, not Baskin-Robbins. All you need is a tumbler and two fingers of scotch. Some ice, if you're taking it easy tonight.
Death. It'll be either unremarkable or really cool. If it's the latter, smile as fate cuts you down. Some guys sell their souls to be as cool in life as you'll be in death.
Going to work early. In the words of John D. MacDonald, "The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm."
Fame. Kato Kaelin is famous. Lynndie England is famous. You don't need to be famous.
Perfect attendance. People who take personal and sick days are happier, more rested, and in better physical condition to beat the living crap out of people with perfect attendance.
Warping your kids. Keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole and you're ahead of the game.
Being witty. A quiet, knowing smile says "mature wisdom"; a crude joke about Lindsay Lohan says, "I haven't been laid in months."
How much money your colleagues make. They probably have smaller penises.
Pleasing everybody. You can't please everybody. But you can pleasure a few.
Getting fired. Dismissal from a job is always a promotion in disguise. You can catch an afternoon game, rethink your career, and bring possibility back into your life--all while the guy who just fired you is still at work.
Keeping up with technology. Because years from now, you'll learn you're just a simulation stored in some computer deep in the future. You think you're alive. You're not. You're a string of data manipulated by pimply programmers in small cubes. So does it really matter if your old iPod stores only 15,000 songs?
Slaving to fashion trends. It's the quickest way to date yourself. Everybody knows that the only thing Don Johnson ever wore was pastels.
Anniversary gifts. Remembering your anniversary, however, is worth its weight in diamond tennis bracelets.
That your wife doesn't look like Denise Richards. Because then everybody would go around saying, "Hey, look at that assclown with Denise Richards."
Religion. Keep your moral compass pointed due north, no matter your denomination, and you'll never have to worry about a collection plate.
The size of your penis. Especially if you're hung like Gene Simmons's tongue.
Her prior sexual experiences. People had your job before you, too. Someone else may have it after you. But it's your job now. Go to work.
Your prior sexual experiences. Unless you've had the clap so many times your college nickname was "Applause."
Pop culture. Brangelina might as well be a new high-fiber laxative. When's Fight Club 2 coming out?
Worrying about the afterlife. Why ruin the surprise?
Wealth. Make too much money and you end up wearing too much heavy gold and spoon-feeding Beluga caviar to a shih tzu. Who needs that?
What you don't have. Raymond Chandler's Philip Marlowe said it best: "I needed a drink, I needed a lot of life insurance, I needed a vacation, I needed a home in the country. What I had was a coat, a hat, and a gun."
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